Turtle Van - Sits Six Figures Comfortably (and Plenty of FAIL)

Ever want something for 20+ years only to get it and be epically disappointed? If so, you know how I feel now. After wanting the Turtle Party Wagon toy since first seeing it in the 1987 cartoon series and the Ultra video game, I finally picked up the TMNT 25th Anniversary line re-release last week at Toys"R"Us (which seems to be the only place getting them, if you're looking). I'm not sure why I never got one as a kid, but it was probably because I was still dividing my attention between Transformers and G.I.Joe also. This was also around the time Playmates was bringing out their Star Trek line. Maybe I was just spoiled by all of Playmates' old electronic-lights-and-sounds Star Trek toys, but I expected a lot more out of a vehicle I and many others consider so iconic.

Action features are surprisingly stark. You can lift the roof by pulling back on the spoiler, accessing your only point of entry. This also activates the remaining two action features simultaneously, deploying the "Foot Tenderizer" and "Whacky Bombs". This means the only way for the Turtles to get into their own van is to launch a salvo of bombs in their own garage. The "Foot Tenderizer" is sort of pop-out attack platform/outrigger thingy, almost like a gun turret, but instead of guns you have your trusty nunchaku (since it seems like Michelangelo is most often depicted using it). The main drawback, however, is that it is virtually impossible to seat or stand any of the turtles on the tenderizer as pictured on the box. The front of the van also features a flip-down armored visor to protect the drivers and orange plastic guns mounted on top of the rear-view mirrors.

There's one blurb on the box that's worth mentioning: "Sits Six Figures Comfortably". Is this REALLY a selling point? Is anyone really that concerned with the COMFORT of their action figures? "I would buy the turtle van, but Captain Picard might have to sit on Raphaels'lap". This reminds of when I was a kid and my friend Daniel kept all his favorite Star Trek, Turtles, Battle Beast, and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures crammed into the back of his Next Generation shuttlecraft toy. It was like one, big bridge crew, bestial mutant, and little pink midget Shuttlecraft Galileo orgy.

Bottom line: if you bought a bunch of the 25th Anniversary figures like I did, you'll probably wanna pick up a turtle van to complete your collection. It still makes a great display piece. The fact that it's basically just a big, plastic brick goes as evidence of the law that generally the longer and more you want a coveted toy from your childhood, the more disappointing you will find it when you finally get it.